Priceless - Ex-Wife
Add comment November 2nd, 2005
Posts filed under 'Humor'
A wifes revenge
Revenge of the Wife - Lotus Esprit Turbo is Sold on eBay for 50 pence
Continue Reading Add comment October 29th, 2005
Womens Ads - what they really mean
40-ish………………………………………49
Adventurous……………..Slept with all your mates
Athletic………………………………..No tits
Average looking……………Has a face like an arse
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile………………Does a lot of pills
Educated………………..Was fucked to bits at University
Emotionally Secure………………….On medication
Feminist……………………………Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit………………………………Junkie
Friendship first……………………..Former slut
Fun……………………………………Annoying
Gentle……………………………………..Dull
Good Listener…………………………..Autistic
New-Age………………………..Body hair problems
Old-fashioned……………………..No Blow Jobs or Anal
Open-minded……………………………Desperate
Outgoing…………………….Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate………………………….Sloppy drunk
Poet…………………………………Depressive
Professional………………………………Bitch
Romantic………………………………….Frigid
Social…………………………………….A twat like a torn pocket
Cuddly……………………………………..Fat
Voluptuous……………………………..Very Fat
Large lady……………………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate………………………….Stalker
Widow…………………………………..Murderer
Add comment September 4th, 2005
Give me a Blowjob
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
“Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem. ”
“No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor. . . ”
“At this time of the night? No one will show up. . . ”
“”I’ve already said No, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you’d like it, too… ”
“”No! I’ve said NO!”
“My love. . . Don’t be like that… ”
At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with
her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
“Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come
down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take
his hand off the intercom!”.
Add comment September 4th, 2005
Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole ‘Venus and Mars’ thing. I’ve also never figured out why men think with their head while women think with their heart. And I’ve yet to figure out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me”.
I said: “WHAT??????”
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking: “What was her first clue?”. I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then we go to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…….. she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok.
She was so excited by all of this when she finally said: “I’m ready to go to the cash register”. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out: “No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face……it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while”. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man”.
I figure that I won’t be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
Add comment September 4th, 2005
What a woman really wants
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman’s rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
“I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft voice. “Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…”
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
“Clean… my… house.”
Add comment February 7th, 2005
Health Warning
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Add comment February 1st, 2005
The Sheriff & the Blonde
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “what is 1 and 1?” “Eleven,” she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” Then he said, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
The blonde replied, “Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?” said the sheriff.
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! My first day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
Add comment January 6th, 2005
The Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
“He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
She asked, “Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs It’s nice and warm there.”
She says “But what about the smell?”
He says “Just hold its nose.”
The man is expected to recover but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Add comment January 4th, 2005
