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Add comment September 8th, 2005
Posts filed under 'Personals'
Art of Flirting
Online guide to the complex and fun task of flirting
Continue Reading Add comment September 2nd, 2005
Ending Relationships Gracefully
In my counselling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn’t want to be with them. “If I was good enough, this person would want to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me.”
There is another way to see this. The way I see it is that for each of us there is a relatively small number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether you want to explain this as due to being part of the same soul group in the spiritual realm, or to having similar energies, or to chemistry, the fact is that we don’t feel connected to most people.
Just because I don’t feel connected with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. Just because you don’t feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that person, and just because someone doesn’t connect with you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It’s just the way things are, and it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with anyone.
So if I say to someone, “I don’t feel a strong connection between us,” I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a judgment about the person’s adequacy or worth.
All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just don’t feel a connection. The person might be very attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on a similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just don’t connect. The spark that ignites friendship or romance just doesn’t exist. If we could all accept that someone not wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our worth, we would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship. I don’t pretend to understand all the factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have the experience of connection with another that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience of a lack of connection.
Many people have had the experience of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, “I just know you two will like each other. You are so similar,” only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine, recently said to me, “Everyone said Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are equal educationally, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just gave it time, I would feel the connection. But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection just isn’t there.”
Is it anyone’s fault that the chemistry or connection isn’t there? Of course not! There is nothing wrong with either Katie or Rick. The connection just isn’t there for Katie. She couldn’t make it be there. She ended up saying to Rick, “You are a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to have with a partner, but I don’t. It’s not your fault – it’s just not there.” Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him. Katie can’t take responsibility for how he feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he has the belief system that if a woman doesn’t connect with him, there is something wrong with him, he will feel hurt. His hurt will come from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another’s feelings. Randi, another one of my clients, recently told me that she was able to tell the truth rather than give herself up to avoid hurting someone. A friend had introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a lot in common and could be good friends. Randi got together with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the opposite. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she also felt Barb’s energy pulling on her in various ways. While some people might not mind needy energy, or even find it endearing, Randi didn’t like it at all. She was pleased with herself because she was able to tell Barb that she just didn’t feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go of taking responsibility for Barb’s feelings if Barb felt hurt by this.
Is there always a way of breaking up or saying no to a relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship, and if you accept that another’s feelings come from his or her belief system, then you won’t feel guilty if the other person feels hurt.
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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Add comment October 29th, 2004
Online Dating - A New Sexual Revolution?
Is Online Dating Starting a New Sexual Revolution?
Continue Reading Add comment October 15th, 2004
Improve Your Sexual Relationship
Improve Your Sexual Relationship
As I was working on my web site the other day, the news came on the TV with a report about online dating and casual sex.
The theory is that online dating is causing an increase in people engaging in casual sex - a so-called new sexual revolution.
Sure, some people are using the net to find partners for discreet affairs and intimate encounters. These same people could just be going out and picking someone up in a bar or a club. I think that they are being a little bit safer doing it on the net.
When they are browsing for their partner online, they have a chance to get to know a little bit about them. They are in the safety of their own home while they chat. Sure, someone could be lying in their communications, but that is true in the offline world of dating too. As I have said before, I believe there is a tendency to be more honest online because you will not have to face the possible rejection the same way as in person.
As long as these people are practicing safe sex, what does it really matter? Obviously, they also need to set other guidelines for their own safety…again as they would offline. The internet is not going to make a person have more affairs then they would otherwise. The internet does not make a married man/woman cheat, that is a character trait, good or bad.
There are online dating services set up for these types of relationships specifically. If it is not what you are looking for, then you just have to choose a different one and be clear in your personal ad that you are looking for a real relationship. On the other hand, if you are looking for these types of services, there are plenty of them out there.
Remember too, all the loving committed relationships that online dating has created. All those couples (including my husband and myself) who would have never found each other otherwise. It can’t be all bad.
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Good, bad or indifferent, the internet has opened doors that were closed to us before. What a joy I feel being a part of it.
by Paula Hall
About the Author
Paula is an experienced psychosexual therapist, couples counsellor, and youth counsellor. She works both for Relate and in private practice. She is the BBC’s expert on relationships and sexuality and is regularly asked to comment for the national press, television and radio and in women’s magazines. She professionally endorses loving-angles and writes professional articles for www.loving-angles.com
Add comment October 10th, 2004
Make Your Sex Sizzle with Foreplay
The importance of foreplay is often underestimated and minimized or even ridiculed. The informed experienced lover will know that not only is foreplay one of the most passionate ways to sweep his woman off her feet, but it also increases intimacy, develops trust and care, promotes emotional connection, deepens love and has the ability to enhance his satisfaction as well.
Continue Reading Add comment October 6th, 2004
